Martin Sheen Country - Northern Galicia

Summary of Caminos

Camino Frances 2001 (800 Kms - 28 days St Jean)

Camino Frances 2005 (800 Kms - 24 days, Tarragona)

Via de la Plata 2012 (1,050 Kms - 29 days, Sevilla)

Camino Del Norte 2013 (720  Kms -  24 days, Biarritz)

Via Francigena 2016 (1,050 Kms - 30 days, San Bernard Pass to Rome) 

Camino Portugues 2017 (600 - 19 days, Lisboa) 

The Stats:

6 Caminos (2001-2017)

Total days 154

Total Kms 5,020

Average per day 32.6 Kms (~20 Miles) 

Total Steps: Est 6 - 7 million 

Given that the Italian Camino is so new I reckon I’m one of the few Irish people,  few anywhere, to have completed the five longest Caminos, start to finish. Over 5,000 Kms pounding the roads, paths is quite a lot you know. You try it. So don’t mess with me! 

Bohemian Rhapsody and I don’t like Mondays

While BR is obviously the work of a complete genius, Bob’s effort isn’t a million miles away, lots of innovation in that number....,This is the type of clarity one’s gets while acting the gom and walking a bunch. 

Followers, forgive me !

Disappointingly, my followers are deserting me in their droves - I lost two yesterday. I am now down to 5. As such, I have listened to you, you want more pics, and pics you shall have....I call this ‘Scarecrow Wars”. 

Frank and Francis

Technology is really killing  us these days. What are you giving out about now Frank I hear you ask?  What’s the problem! 

So, auto-fill function in Chrome uses my first name to fill in my details. All very good. Not so fast. Ryanair want the boarding pass to EXACTLY match your passport, and of course my passport says Francis, and not Frank as per my credit card. 

 I’ve had a row with them before on this topic - you didn’t learn much clearly Frank I hear you utter- so this is dodgy stuffy. I may never get home. In the immortal words of one of my golfing buddies  - leath la- why is it all so hard? 

Frank Mourinho

News of my pending arrival in Porto quickly spread and when I eventually got there I was heralded with the appropriate decorum. 

As I passed through the masses they parted and many afterwards said that they felt a Presence, a strange powerful aura. This was actually quite common for me, and may have had something to do with my walking top which could have done with a wash every once in a while. 

I addressed them with my standard big crowd speech: “ You must accept that which you do not have. I am, am I? Are you?”.  As these words of enlightenment sunk in you could see a wave of happiness spread through the crowd and a strange contentment came over them.

As for me, I continued on my way, a simple man weary from the enormous burden but heck, someone has to do it. 

Jimmy Saville is Alive !

Obviously the guy was despicable and his crimes were horrendous,  evil  and vile, but I think he might still be alive. See picture below....

 

I saw his face as well, and there is no doubt, I saw pure evil there.  I guess this means the commemorative plate will have to be withdrawn....

Blame Viz magazine for this. Definitely worth enlarging the picture. But it does illustrate the hipocrisy of fame and celebrity that he got away with it for so long. Anyway, the guy is alive and well, you heard it here first. It’s truly appalling. 

Is this a protest ?

The Statue of Santarém

The mayor was back in touch. They have built a statue in my honour. That was quick. He wants me to go back and unveil it but I said no. The money wasn’t right. 

Interestingly, he tells me that pigeons don’t ‘drop’ as it were on this statue. Most unusual, he said. It’s always clean. 

Half Way

Folks, I’d  like to thank ye all for the floods  of messages I have received since starting out on this most daunting pilgrimage. Well, I would apart from the fact that I have barely got anything from anyone with a few notable exceptions. Joan, in particular,  is on the ball which is more than I can say for most of you who seem unsure as to where Portugal is located. 

To my beloved sisters, yes, I know you are busy, but please educate yourselves. There is some hidden gems in this blog, very hidden, but if you can’t be inspired by my thrilling writing then there is little hope. My Italian blog was awarded 2nd in the annual travel awards for the Faroe Islands, citing my work as “the travel writing of the future, but even better”.

To my friends, yes, I know I haven’t been in touch, what with being in Portugal and all, but a few gentle words of encouragement wouldn’t go astray as I toil under an unforgiving sun. I am after all walking to save your souls. Not my own. But I anticipated this after Italy, hence the name of the blog (let them save themselves).

In terms of numbers, I have now reached ten followers, 2 of which are active. 20% daily retention is considered very high in the business. Anyway, pass the word, once I hit 100k followers  I officially become an influencer and need never work again. That’s the dream (might well come true  I can hear a lot of you mumble). 

Your humble servant

Frank 

Albergaria A Velha 

12 Oc 2017

Mealhada, stuck pig capital of Portugal

My stomach is a bit iffy so I didn’t partake but Mealhada is where you go in Portugal if you fancy a bit of stuck pig. 

The place has thousands of restaurants all sizzling away. You can chose one of two options: “Con Pico” where you get to kill and skewer the unfortunate pork yourself or “ Sin Pico” where you just kill it. 70% go for Con. Especially popular with the ladies. 

The piglets all come from local farms - which is nice for them - and have all been trained to wink at the potential customer and say “Don’t worry Sir, ‘tis for the best”  (a quick nod to Douglas Adams and Restaurant).  If you eat the whole piglet you get €100 back but no one has ever done it (and survived). It’s considered a foolish bet.

The other interesting thing is the amount of pig/human inter-breeding around the place. Hard to comment but the nuns do seem to have engorged nostrils and snort a lot. For me though, the give away is the tail. While the practice is frowned upon, the police do seem to turn a blind eye. No idea why.......

Good irony

Someone pointed out the irony of me not knowing the exact distinction between Alzheimer’s and Dementia. 

Fair point I thought. Though a little concerning if you are me. 

I have a bad feeling about this area....

The Birdman of Santarem

Walking along early this morning I came along a hut full of pigeons which I duly set free. Least I could do for them. 

Thought no more about it until later when I arrived in Santarem when all these pigeons landed on my back and my arms, in a non-threatening way, like. Next thing I knew, all the traffic stopped and people crossed themselves and bowed before me. There was a stillness about the place, this was something different. The mayor came out to greet me and asked me to address the gathering crowds. I told him I didn’t speak Portuguese but he was bowing before me at the time and may not have heard. 

Anyway a bunch of dignitaries rocked up, plus thousands who diverted from Fatima to hear me speak. I gave my normal ‘what is, is, and what isn’t,  isn’t and we must all accept that what we cannot accept’ speech. The crowded was a first silent, and then started to chant “El Chosen One”, and bowed before me. I could see the mayor of Fatima was well fed up with all this  but what could I do. 

I quickly made my excuses and the birds and I left Santarem. One doesn’t like to make a fuss. An hour later I stopped, killed a few of the pigeons and made a delicious stew adding some herbs I collected on the way. I must say I always suspected I might be the ‘Chosen One’ so none of this was a shock if I’m honest about it. 

Air coach etiquette

I took the Air Coach up to Dublin at 2am what with being too cheap to spring for a hotel up there. I met John Murphy getting off the bus with two buxom German frauleins on each arm and a knowing smile. Just back from the Munich beer festival he was saying. Yep, four altogether. Fair play. 

Anyways, at 2am you don’t expect people to be making phone calls or texting. You certainly don’t expect them to be watching porn on their phones with the accompanying line dancing music. But not in my bus, it was at that point that I knew this was going to be a long day. And so it turned out. My plan to walk five hours from Lisbon Airport quickly tuned into 7.5 hours, not helped by the 32 degree heat. But I won’t go on, I had made my own choices. 

Some food pics - Lovin’ it !

Antonio Salazar and Portugal (Part 2)

No Name was fascinated with Cambodians, not so much Cambodia, and offered huge incentives for them to come to Portugal. And when they came they were hunted down every Monday (El Dia del Cambos), a kind of weekly Hunger Games without the killing and packed all the lads into sweat shops. 

Long story short there was an uprising (El Dia  del Muerte) in 1973 and Salazar and No Name were captured, forced to endure a kangaroo court and found guilty. The country rejoiced as they were both sown into the pouch of an extremely large marsupial and sent into exile on a island off the coast called Madeira where they spent their remaining days playing Russian roulette with local traffic. As the leaders of the uprising said at the time’let them eat cake’ which sounds funny but is logistically at odds with their situation. In reality,  they were stitched up. 

The country itself released all Cambodians, burnt their sweat shops and sent everyone on their merry way. ‘Let’s just stick with corks and golf courses’ was felt the proper course and Ray Clemence was brought in to oversee the transition back to normality what with being regarded as a safe pair of hands. 

Antonio Salazar and Portugal (Part 1)

Toni Salazar ruled Portugal with an iron grip for 50 years. His great grandfather was Alexander Dumas so I guess it was in the family. 

Before he became a complete bastard (although beloved) the dyslexic Toni ran a very successful clothing company (Slazenger). Indeed, before sweat shops came into vogue in Asia he pioneered the model in his home country with some minor modifications. Less pay. 

Anyway, Portugal was a cess pitt back in the day. There were no golf clubs, or resorts for rich Europeans to come to and leer at poor people and go on about isn’t life so unfair and all. Toni changed all that. He staged a bloody coup in 1932. He sacked Lisbon and put his own people in charge. All dissenters were shot and while it was rough justice for some (circa 200,000 were slaughtered) the country prospered. 

Many golf courses were built and resorts for rich people. Irrigation became the only show in town. Cars began to appear. Airports sprang up all over the place to get the rich people in and out quickly. Tourists were brought to sweat shops and encouraged to sign petitions seeking more air conditioning. Everyone felt good about themselves.  The phrase ‘put a cork  in it’ became the national mantra and many Cork trees were planted in this time,  often on the lands of recently deceased dissenters. It was all good. 

Then Antoni’s wife, aka No Name, got notions and it all went to pot as often happens in such cases. 

An awkward moment

When I tried to pass out this guy he turned around and hit my rucksack with disasterous consequences. I never trusted these limbless guys, even the piano players. 

Top Camino Tips

After 5 previous Caminos many of my followers - well, one at least- have asked for some top tips. I’m happy to oblige: 

Firstly, Vaseline is a must. No need to get into the nitty gritty there. 

Secondly, make sure you have the phone numbers of all the taxi companies that you might use to take you from hostel to hostel. 

Thirdly, try and hold off on the first beer of the day until after 12. And remember, as you are drinking you are hydrating. It isn’t a major crime this one. 

Foutthly, it is a offense to arrive in a place carrying lots of water. Why carry the weight if you aren’t going to use it? 

Fifthly, beware all South Korean women,  they tend to get lost and then latch on to you with puppy dog eyes. Avoid at all costs. 

Sixtly, never look lost anywhere near a church. You will be spotted by some do gooder who will gibber something at you, and lead you to the altar where you forced to pray for a suitable time under the close supervision of yer man. 

Most importantly, eat well, don’t hold back.

Some like it hot

Not me though. I have turned to that greater power praying for cool, no joy. I knew it. 

Yet another screw up

I’m supposed to be on the Camino Portugues and not the Camino de Tejo. Anyway, I’m sure twill all work out in the end. 

As it happens a friend once told me what the secrets were, I was shocked. 

1.  To El Papa: You are right not to allow women priests, they can’t be trusted to stay stump.  Imagine the confessional and the gossip. It would only end badly. Hold tough. 

2. I really don’t exist, the whole thing is a scam. But sure, what’s the  harm? And it gives a load of chaps a good living, so much the better. 

3. To El Papa: A man will come, a rich man, and he will do great good. After a rocky start. Give him a chance, he is a visionary.